I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
