Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
