sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
