one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
