How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
