yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
