The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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