Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
