Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I am midnight drunk by noon
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
