Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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