I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
