Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
