Its about making memories worth repressing
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
