Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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