I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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