Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
