He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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