dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
