everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
