i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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