It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
That's intense
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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