We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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