you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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