how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
