I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
