Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
