And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Drunk is not a location!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
