When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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