Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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