I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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