Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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