I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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