I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
