I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
