it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
