Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
