can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
