When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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