dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
