so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
