Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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