if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
