for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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