dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
