So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
