I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
