i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My ass is underappreciated
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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