Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I touched a dick in church today
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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