how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Someone came in the potted fern
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
