I'm so fucking centered right now
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
