I can text with my tongue
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
