I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
