I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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