she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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