Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
