i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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