I haven't been this sober since birth.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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