to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
