I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Randomize
