someone threw a dead crab at me
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
