Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
