So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
