I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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