i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize