All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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