the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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