for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
