Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
