News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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