I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
